Years ago, an employee came into a 1:1 with tears in her eyes. Another person on the team had been making comments that left her feeling uncomfortable and disrespected.
I listened, validated what she was feeling, and asked: “Would you feel comfortable giving them this feedback directly?”
I made it clear she absolutely didn't have to—but I told her I thought her feedback would be more powerful coming from her than from me.
I helped her think through what she wanted to say, and when she asked me to join the meeting, I did.
What happened became one of the most memorable meetings I've had as a manager.
She spoke honestly about the impact the comments had on her.
The other employee became teary-eyed. They hadn't realized how their words were landing. The conversation ended with hugs.
The two of them worked together for years afterward—with a stronger relationship because they now knew they could be honest with each other, repair something when it went wrong, and move forward.
That never would have happened if I'd made myself the go-between.
Support the conversation. Don't become the conversation.
When someone brings you an interpersonal issue, listen. Take it seriously. Understand what's happening. Then, when appropriate, ask:
“Would you feel comfortable talking with them directly?”
If the answer is no, don't force it. Get curious.
What makes the conversation feel difficult?
What are you worried might happen?
Would it help to talk through what you want to say?
Would you feel more comfortable if I joined you?
Sometimes your job is to help someone find the words, prepare them for the conversation, or simply to sit beside them while they say something hard.
That's very different from saying it for them.
Know when this doesn't apply.
If someone reports harassment, discrimination, retaliation, threats, a serious power imbalance, or another safety or HR concern, don't ask them to confront the person themselves.
And if direct conversations have already happened and the behavior continues, it's time for you to step in.
But for ordinary interpersonal conflict, resist the instinct to immediately fix it.
💡The Vault Insight: Your job isn't to create a team that never experiences conflict. It's to create a team that knows how to move through conflict without destroying trust.
Support the conversation. Just don't become the conversation.
Is there a relationship on your team you're currently managing for two people that they could be learning to manage themselves?
I'd love to hear your answer. Just hit reply—I read every one.
—Ashley Walton, CMO & Treadmill Desk Advocate
